I Cheated on My Wife. Should I tell her? – Fight infidelity
If you came across this subject line, and found it relatable, with a slice of curiosity or guilt inside you, you must read this!!!!!
Let us face this issue, now, with courage. A hovering guilt or doubt will never help any individual in the long run.
What is marriage?
A marriage is a legal contract between two individuals by which both are bound to each other in the form of a relationship, that is based on trust, love and mutual understanding.
It is a legal bond, but one in which emotions are involved. For a healthy marriage, the emotions are love, trust and mutual understanding. These three can be termed as the three vital pillars that support a wonderful existence.
The absence or shortcoming of anyone pillar can lead to the loss of balance that is needed. It is up to an individual to decide, if the institution has to be supported well, or broken. In case of minor troubled waters, you can still go ahead and try to restore one of those pillars. In case of a decision to disrupt an existing marriage, it is better to open up and confront the partner.
What is Infidelity?
It is an act by which, an individual cheats the respective partner emotionally or sexually.
The reasons can be many, as listed below, pick one that resonates with you.
- A forced marriage in which the man or the woman was forced to marry somebody without taking proper consent.
- An existing affair before the nuptials, that wasn’t gotten over.
- Individual tendency to look for multiple sexual partners irrespective of any reason whatsoever.
- Getting emotional support from outside the marriage.
- Lack of sexual intimacy between the man and the woman, one might find the other less stimulating.
- Loss of interest in sex, leading one to experiment outside the relationship.
In a recent survey conducted amongst a set of men and women of different age groups, it was seen that the gap in the percentage of cheating increases with age, men being at the higher side. In the age group of 18 to 29, 11% of men and 10% of women confessed infidelity from their side. In the age group of 70 to 79, 13% of men and 26% of women confessed that they cheated.
Now, that we went over the concept of marriage and infidelity once again, and also discussed the results of the survey, we will discuss the topic from both perspectives here; one with an idea to repair it and one with an intention to disrupt it.
You want to save the marriage, should you tell her?
The answer is yes!!! Read on to know when?
Let us say, that you have had an excellent chemistry with your wife and communication was the key. But life is never a bed of roses given the fact that it is uncertain. The uncertainty of life had led you both to become emotionally distant or sexually distant. There could have been a physical reason also such as pregnancy or menstruation or a sexual condition preventing you both from enjoying intimacy. With your high libido, and the absence of your wife, there could have been the presence of an external party in your circle of friends, or colleagues or acquaintances. Now, let us say, that it was a momentary pleasure that you were seeking and after the act you feel extremely guilty. You know that your wife has complete trust on you, and she would understand you for once if you can advocate your honest otherwise to her. These are perfect reasons to confront her and tell her about it. Think about a fact, won’t she feel better to know about it from the horses’ mouth rather than an external source. Choose the correct way, environment, time of the day to confess to her. But also, a warning that I would like to give you is, this can also turn out to be an unfavourable situation at home for the time being. We are humans, after all, do not expect forgiveness to be poured to you instantly. Let it take its own sweet time, and let us be hopeful.
You want to save the marriage, should you tell her?
The answer is no!!! Read on to know why.
Let us think of a wife, who is a wee bit more emotional and had traded her entire soul to you in lieu of that trust and love that you offered. Let us say, she is one who views the world with pink glasses on. You have been a larger than life character to her- perfect in all senses. It was that one moment of going astray from your side, and you know you would not repeat it, as you are guilty beyond imagination. You could choose not to tell her about it, provided you are strong in your conviction that you have closed all chapters with the person with whom you got involved temporarily and it is a mature decision now onwards. There are some lies better than truth in this case.
You got just one chance!!!
How about a wife, whom you know does not like to forgive and move on? Yes, there are individuals who have their priorities in place. You being partners, might have discussed infidelity and because you know each other very well, you know that for one crossing those lines of respect means an end to everything. Would you want to take a risk in such a case? The answer would be preferably no.
The problem is you!!!
As crude, as it might sound, there are men who are used to having multiple sexual partners. This has nothing to do with marriage and this tendency might never change. At the same time, few men share an emotional bond with their wife, and would not want to disrupt that as well. If you find yourself best categorized in this way, then being tight-lipped is the only way out. Such men also have a very mature understanding with the other partners that their actions would never lead to a conjugal bliss whatsoever. Those are merely physical acts and would remain catering to their instincts time and again!!!
The above three reasons might lead you to carry a baggage of guilt, but it is your decision to choose wisely, considering all the reasons that I have listed above. In future, if you feel the other way around, you always have the liberty to revisit this article to see if you want to change your decision.
Let us look at the other perspective now.
You do not wish to save the marriage!!!
You must tell her at the earliest. Read on to know why.
Let us look at this perspective too.
Marriages without proper consent
There are a few unfortunate cases wherein the marriage happens by not taking consent or rather forcibly. Here there is a great chance of a partner going astray.
Well, astray towards an old flame, a colleague, a friend is not too surprising to be true. It is not the best of what one would expect out of a happy marriage, but why rule out that reason?
In such cases, if the man should have a clear perspective towards his choice.
As our subtitle, suggests, the man, in this case, does not want to save his marriage.
In a clear prerogative as this, he must confess to his wife. There is no other way around.
There would definitely be a lack of emotional support and a sense of harmony would be missing in such a household. It is better to confess, part ways and starts life afresh.
This would help both partners to view life positively and with a new sense of enthusiasm.
The way he confesses that to her would be an art. As a human, let’s show some empathy and break the ice in a human way. It is better to approach this as fast as one can, to avoid further complications. It is always better, to be honest in such cases. Infidelity, whether out of overwhelming emotions or out of a sense of rebellion carries a series of consequence. The marriage might not keep both partners happy, and they might be seeking ways to add peace to their lives. Isn’t it best to end such an institution where the pillars are shaky and unreliable? And that too as soon as possible?
This might seem to be a trivial point, but it is a fact that in many countries sexual preferences are not given much importance. With people slowly opening up about their preferences, we are seeing an increase in the number of homosexuals and bisexuals. China tops the list of gay population and India holds the 7th rank in the world for countries where the gay population is at its peak. Let us look at the reasons of men who marry out of family pressure and hide their status being gay.
- They do not want to hurt their parents
- Their parents say no to them having a gay partner
- Some also report harassment being done to them on their honest confessions
- Some just want to marry a girl for the sake of societal acceptance
Looking at the above reasons, we definitely know that the wife suffers a marriage without a peaceful sexual interaction. Moreover, how would the guy suppress his instincts and for how long? There is no reason for the wife to undergo lifelong imprisonment in the name of marriage.
In such a case it is best for the man to confess to his straight wife about his secret affair and help her to part ways.
Let us also look at a few different perspectives and get answers thereby
Guilt is another reason due to which you should confess about your infidelity to your wife. No matter how practical you are, there must be moments in life where you feel guilty about your sexual acts outside the marriage. You may not be understanding your intention, whether you want to save the marriage or not. You may also not be understanding the outcome of the confession, whether it would be saved or not. In such cases of confusion, it is best to confront your wife and wait for the consequences to unfold naturally. Like a very famous saying goes, “If it is meant to be, it will”.
A clear conscience goes a long way to nourish your soul, that is if your conscience bothers you. Carrying on with your life with the same patterns and actions and guilt is not worth it. It is better to open your heart out and be guilt-free. People with an overwhelming sense of guilt develop psychological complications in life. It is better to get yourself free from guilt always.
Advances from the third party
If there are advances from the person whom you built a relationship with, while cheating on your wife, the situation becomes even more complicated. The secrecy, the fantasies and fetishes if we keep aside, you are left with two people whom you got to balance and it is no cakewalk.
If the other women and you want to build a future together through marriage, what would be your first step? Confession, of course. As stated earlier, and repeatedly in the article, you will have to choose a tactful way to confess the same to your wife.
Repercussions on children
An unhappy marriage spiced with infidelity affects the children. The repercussions are bad, to say the least. Whether you confront your wife or not, your behaviour in an unhappy marriage would be observed and absorbed by the children. Why would one make innocent beings face such situations that lead to scars for a lifetime? I would say, never allow your children to gauge that and feel repercussions. In this case, you should confess to your wife about the cheating or whatever you may want to call it to avoid its ill-effects on innocent minds.